Jokes / Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Burnsy
- Start date
Pensioner's reply re Coles
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local COLES store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local COLES store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
A while back I was standing in line at Woolies with a basket of mainly dog food/treats and was thinking about exactly this bit of humour. Was thinking of trying it out if I was asked about my choices and was having a hard time not laughing out aloud.
Some of the jokes appearing on the forum are getting a bit beyond the level of what a family forum should be and the Moderators would like to see them toned down a bit. We don't want to be fun police but we do want to keep the forum open to all.
Alan had two of the best tickets for the Footy Grand Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Footy Grand Final, the biggest sporting event of the Aussie football world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife Wendy was supposed tocome with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
Someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head...
......"No. They're all at the funeral."
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Footy Grand Final, the biggest sporting event of the Aussie football world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife Wendy was supposed tocome with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
Someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head...
......"No. They're all at the funeral."
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property
for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he
had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built
and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of
the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there
for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam
naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the
crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may
walk slow, but they can still think fast.
for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he
had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built
and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of
the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there
for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam
naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the
crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may
walk slow, but they can still think fast.
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:.
1. The later you come home, the more excited your dogs are to see you
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
...To test this theory......Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour......Then open it and see who's happy to see you...
1. The later you come home, the more excited your dogs are to see you
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
...To test this theory......Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour......Then open it and see who's happy to see you...
Process of elimination. We didn't want a wagon, especially 7 seats, as want back for other carting and I'd like to eventually have a custom box on the back. Had to be somewhat car like and easy for wife as she's a bit vertically challenged. Limited choice of Dealers up this way and not much confidence in a couple from past experiences and attitudes of sales people we've dealt with. Hilux was out immediately as not up to tow weight. Amarok was my first choice but not keen on small engine but liked idea of auto and no transfer case but Dealer couldn't provide one for a test drive for a while. Second choice would have been twin cab Cruiser but too agricultural, low level of safety items, no example available for quite some time and Salesman didn't bother to contact me. Particular Dealer's and their locations eliminated a couple of others. Even with our choice I knew more than the Salesman and mostly from perusing various Forum's. From checking prices it wasn't much of a penalty for buying it here so going South wasn't worthwhile, unlike with the van where the local Dealer wanted $4000+ for delivery.Why did you buy a Ford?
You mean apart from abandoning a 17000 km 4 month trip after only getting about 10 km and car being in Dealers workshop for just short of 5 weeks so far with them still not being able to identify fault. It doesn't register as a Fault Code and swapping out almost every sensor that might be temperature related, including the ECU, replacing the injectors, now about to have another ECU tried. Being told I have to pay for the fuel they are using up doing constant test drives after every change.
That's the short story but continuing story is in my "Non trip, trip report" elsewhere.
Yeah, apart from that we're as happy as pigs in xxxx.
Phil
Not kidding. Car was left with them and they used up what was in there on test drives, added 20 litres some days ago, and then they ran that out. Drives of up to 1.5 hours are needed sometimes to bring fault on. In case there was an internal tank problem and pump or pickup was drawing in some air they wanted permission to fill the tank to eliminate any possibility. Don't worry, I'll be having a colourful and animated discussion with their Management if they try it any further and I'll invoice them for lost rego, insurance, km's they've driven it, pain & suffering, prescription for Valium and any other trivial thing I can think of. Like I've said, if this really is a warranty issue then Ford pay for everything.