Jokes / Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Burnsy
- Start date
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Two elderly couples are having dinner one evening. The wives get up and go into the kitchen to do the dishes, the men are left speaking at the table. One says to the other, "we went to a lovely restaurant the other night". What was it called? Says the other guy. "Oh what's the name of that flower with thorns on it"? You mean a rose. That's right, he turns and yells to the kitchen, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?"
A telemarketer makes a phone call to a home.
Little boy whispers ''hello''. Marketer says ''hello there young man, is your mum home?'' Boy all the time whispering says ''Yes but she's busy''. Marketer: Oh ok then is you Dad there?'' Boy: Yes but he's busy too" Marketer: "ok then, is there anyone else there?'' Boy still whispering: "Yes, the postman is here''. Marketer ''right, may I speak with him?'' Boy ''No he's busy too''. Marketer "is there anyone else?'' Boy: ''Yes, the fireman''. Marketer: ''and I spose he's busy as well'' Boy ''Yes''. Marketer: ''OK, so your Mum, Dad, the postman and fireman are all there but they're busy..........What on earth are they doing?''..................................Boy still whispering says ''They're looking for me".
Little boy whispers ''hello''. Marketer says ''hello there young man, is your mum home?'' Boy all the time whispering says ''Yes but she's busy''. Marketer: Oh ok then is you Dad there?'' Boy: Yes but he's busy too" Marketer: "ok then, is there anyone else there?'' Boy still whispering: "Yes, the postman is here''. Marketer ''right, may I speak with him?'' Boy ''No he's busy too''. Marketer "is there anyone else?'' Boy: ''Yes, the fireman''. Marketer: ''and I spose he's busy as well'' Boy ''Yes''. Marketer: ''OK, so your Mum, Dad, the postman and fireman are all there but they're busy..........What on earth are they doing?''..................................Boy still whispering says ''They're looking for me".
So, my 5 year old daughter says to me today... Dad, did you get a hair cut? to which I replied.. no, why's that?..... She says you should have hair there-while putting her finger on my receded forehead! lol gotta love em.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins totalk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now andfound this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking toJanie and found out that the house I wanted last year isback on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extraeighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins totalk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now andfound this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking toJanie and found out that the house I wanted last year isback on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extraeighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?”
I was at Flinders street station the other weekend and needed to go to the toilet.
As I sat down, the bloke in the cubicle next to me says “how’s it goin?”
“Not bad” I said.
“What ya been up to” he says.
Thinking this was a bit weird, I replied with “Oh just waiting for the train”
There was a couple of seconds silence, and then he says “mate, I’ll call you back later, there’s some d!^khead in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions”
As I sat down, the bloke in the cubicle next to me says “how’s it goin?”
“Not bad” I said.
“What ya been up to” he says.
Thinking this was a bit weird, I replied with “Oh just waiting for the train”
There was a couple of seconds silence, and then he says “mate, I’ll call you back later, there’s some d!^khead in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions”
After the flood God asked Noah to build another Ark.
"Noah, I want you to build another Ark", God said.
"What!?" said Noah - "You promised you wouldn't flood the earth again"
"That is true", said God, "And I will keep that promise, but the fish complained that they missed out when I called the animals into the Ark."
"But the fish didn't need to go in the Ark.", said Noah, "They live in the water!"
"I know that", said God, "but fish are pretty dumb. I managed to convince them all that they didn't need to go in the Ark - all that is, except the Carp - they just didn't get it. So, to keep them happy, I told them you would build an Ark for them."
"OK", said Noah, "so just a little Ark for 2 of the Carp?"
"No", said God, "I promised you would save them all, so I want you to build a large Ark, 100 Cubits long and 50 Cubits wide with 5 decks of aquariums for the Carp."
And so it was that Noah built the World's first Multi-story Carp-Ark!
"Noah, I want you to build another Ark", God said.
"What!?" said Noah - "You promised you wouldn't flood the earth again"
"That is true", said God, "And I will keep that promise, but the fish complained that they missed out when I called the animals into the Ark."
"But the fish didn't need to go in the Ark.", said Noah, "They live in the water!"
"I know that", said God, "but fish are pretty dumb. I managed to convince them all that they didn't need to go in the Ark - all that is, except the Carp - they just didn't get it. So, to keep them happy, I told them you would build an Ark for them."
"OK", said Noah, "so just a little Ark for 2 of the Carp?"
"No", said God, "I promised you would save them all, so I want you to build a large Ark, 100 Cubits long and 50 Cubits wide with 5 decks of aquariums for the Carp."
And so it was that Noah built the World's first Multi-story Carp-Ark!
I can't believe I read that whole thing :faint2::faint2: For that ending :noidea: