Jokes / Funny Stuff

[Capt. Gadget]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.


He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827.


Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!


Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.


By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.


The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.


By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.


*"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says: * *"He's decomposing."*

 

[17triton]

Saw this one on fb today, made me laugh.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers."Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk……...

 

[Brad]

Have you heard about the new movie about constapation?
It hasn't come out yet.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

 

[Smergen]

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in"

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

[Capt. Gadget]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum...you still awake?'

 

[DRW]

An oldie but a goodie

A Collingwood mother goes to town to register for CentreLink.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"10," replies the Collingwood mother.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Nah," says the Collingwood mother. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY' or 'WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed CentreLink worker.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood mother, "I just use their surnames."

 

[BaxnRach]

A young man named Clive, bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Clive's house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Bill replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Clive said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Clive said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Clive said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Clive and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Clive said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Clive said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
Clive grew up and now works for the government.

 

[BaxnRach]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
__________________

 

[BaxnRach]

Bought an old Morris 1100 at a car auction yesterday and immediately set about giving it a good old scrub and polish. I was just giving it a final coat of wax when the police arrived and arrested me on the spot. Apparently I'm being charged with grooming a Minor.

 

[BaxnRach]

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level.

The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company."

LESSON OF LIFE:
When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!
When you get older and smarter, comfort and care is not such a bad thing!
It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter!

 

[BaxnRach]

A mate of mine has won 2 tickets to the Grand Final, Box Seats, including accomodation at Crown.
Unfortunately, his wedding is on the same day so he can’t go. Anybody interested and you want to go, it’s at St Peters Church, Shepparton at 3pm. Her name is Karen.

 

[BaxnRach]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope . . .
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

 

[mikerezny]

THESE REALLY WORK...!!


AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

[Drover]

 

[Drover]