Jokes / Funny Stuff

[straydingo]

After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Queensland and New Zealand.

 

[Colsar]

The old cow cockie (farmer) goes to church on sunday, walks in and takes a seat. He's the only one there in the large empty church.
The priest walks out up front and looks around, "Hmm you are the only one here" he comments. He pauses for a moment looks at his watch and says " do you think i should give the service?"
The farmer replies " i have made an effort to come , and i know that if i went to feed the cows and only one turned up i would certainly feed her, so i think you should make an effort to give the service."
With that the priest starts the lords service, and one hour and half later the priest is done. "What did you think of todays service?" said the priest.
The farmer replied
"Well i am just an old cow cockie and i don't no much about preaching, but if i went to feed the cows and only one turned up , i certainly wouldn't give em the whole F@##**g truck load."

 

[SilverFox]

A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job.....

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that."

 

[chartrock]

I love the old peoples jokes.

Two old diggers were sitting outside their retirement home and one says to the other, “Bill, do you remember during the war they used to put something in our tea to make us stop thinking about women all the time.” Yes,” said Bill, “I remember that, why do you ask, Jim.” “Well,” said Jim, “I think it’s beginning to work.”

<><><><><><><><><><><><>

Bill and Jim sitting outside their retirement home when an old lady did a ‘streak’ past them. They watched in silence and when she finally passed Bill turned to Jim and said “Wasn’t that Freda Johnson from a few doors down the road?” “I think it was. What the heck was she wearing?” Says Bill, “I don’t know but it sure needed ironing.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Bill decides he will get even and do a streak past the old ladies place so he strips off and heads past a few old ladies enjoying the sunshine outside their retirement home. When they saw him, two of the ladies had a stroke but the third one was too slow.

<><><><><><><><><><><><>

Two elderly gents from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

[DRW]

I stole this from another forum, thought it was worth sharing

A 65 year old man went to the flight surgeon for for his Class II Flight exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. Genes have a lot to do with health, how old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's only 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane! He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living?! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

 

[SilverFox]

Too good not to share....


HISTORICAL PHOTOS....
And descriptions as we wonder what it was like to be there and surprises us with something we have never seen. Look carefully at each picture. There are some you have never seen before and they are amazing.

A boxing match on board the USS Oregon in 1897.

Here's his report card! 1896 - highest marks in Algebra - Physics - Geometry and lower marks in languages

Samurai taken between 1860 and 1880.

A shell shocked reindeer looks on as World War II planes drop bombs on Russia in 1941

Roy O. and Walt Disney on the day they opened Disney Studios.

Young Bill Gates ---- ----The Microsoft staff in 1978. 11 people - 2 women 5 beards

The last known Tasmanian Tiger photographed in 1933. The species is now extinct.

A different angle taken of "Tank Man," the man who stood against a line of tanks in Tiananmen Square. He is standing in the street between the tree trunk and the fleeing man. You can see the tanks approaching from the right.

Winston Churchill out for a swim. Typical swim suit of the day

The London sky following a bombing and dogfight between British and German planes in 1940.

Martin Luther King, Jr removes a burned cross from his yard in 1960. The boy is his son.

Google begins. 34 people here

Nagasaki, 20 minutes after the atomic bombing in 1945.

A Native American overlooking the newly completed transcontinental railroad in 1868.

 

[SilverFox]

and some more...



The Great San Francisco Fire and Earthquake of 1906.

A Japanese plane is shot down during the Battle of Saipan in 1944.

The original Ronald McDonald -- played by Willard Scott!

Hitler in Paris.

Grounded aircraft on September 11, 2001 await orders.

British SAS back from a three month long patrol of North Africa, January 18, 1943.

Disneyland employee cafeteria in 1961.

The first McDonalds. - buy em by the bag ---- on the sign

Fidel Castro lays a wreath at the Lincoln Memorial.




California Iumberjacks work on Redwoods. Thousands of tree rings in these ancient trees each over 1000+ years old or even much older........such a shame - irreplaceable giants- national park treasures all gone but a few - what kind of men would do such a thing for over 100 years --- Destroy something they cannot ever fix or replace for 2000 years? It is an evergreen, long-lived, monoecious tree living 1200-1800 years or more. ... An estimated 95% or more of the original old-growth redwood forest has been cut. In 1850, old-growth redwood forest covered more than 2,000,000 acres (8,100 acres by... 1968, by which time nearly 90% of the original redwood trees had been logged.




Archduke Franz Ferdinand with his wife on the day they were assassinated in 1914, an event that helped spark World War I.

The 1912 World Series.

Bill and Hillary Clinton playing volleyball in 1975. A future US President

Elvis in the Army.

The first photo following the discovery of Machu Pichu in 1912.

Child laborers in 1880.

New York's Times Square in 1911.

Construction of Christ the Redeemer in Rio da Janeiro, Brazil, built between 1926-31.

 

[DRW]

 

[SilverFox]

and lastly...


Steamboats on the Mississippi River in 1907.

The Beatles meet Muhammad Ali. (Or was he still Casius Clay?)

The construction of Disneyland.

Arnold Schwarzenegger on the day he received his American citizenship.

Fourteen year-old Osama bin Laden. He's second from the right. - bell bottom pants - pink car - expensive shops, nice threads, About 24 people out smiling --- looking hip for the day and not one woman has their face or head covered

Construction of the Statue of Liberty in 1884. A different world today.
Thanks for looking, and pass it on to someone who enjoys a bit of history

 

[blacky]

Bloody unreal @SilverFox thanks for sharing.

 

[Meanderthals]

Had a call from a relative today. He had been given some tablets from a medical person that had a warning on them that they may cause drowsiness and that driving and operating machinery wasn't advisable. Trouble was the patient was his dog and the medical person was the Vet that had operated on it. AND I'M NOT JOKING.

Has the world really got this stupid?

 

[blacky]

I know my vet is very wary of handing out stuff, BUTE for our horses is hard to get, as people abuse it mate. this sh@# happens!

 

[Meanderthals]

I would never consider taking something prescribed by a Vet, regardless of similarity to human intended medicines, and thought that only football players took animal products.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Beats my McHitch hands down!!!

 

[blacky]

bahahaha "for the ho on the go"

 

[Capt. Gadget]

bahahaha "for the ho on the go"

Coming to a caravan Park near you! Yeah Pete I couldn't stop laughing either

 

[blacky]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!

 

[BaxnRach]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here,
Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

[TACA]

I love this....

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

 

[SilverFox]

Subject: The old lady and the bank

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the
window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished
to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money
involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00
dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the
president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.

The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people
that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then
asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it
inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she
could have come into $3 million.

"I bet" she stated.

"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets on different things
with different people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00
that by
10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured
that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet.
He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very
careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there
was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure
that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he
always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in
at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how
often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With
her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for
being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always
took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.

"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I
always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this,
but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought
that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to
bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine.
The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against
the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning
that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."