Jokes / Funny Stuff

[blacky]

Still not too sure about all the fuss with lance armstrongs drug scandal.

I think he did really well, when i was on drugs i couldn't even find my push bike!

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scotch whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is posted by a Shetland Islander living in Australia, using Bill Gates' technology Which he enjoyed stealing from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by trucks driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization!

 

[hamish22]

 

[blacky]

I fired my masseuse today.

She rubbed me up the wrong way!

 

[Meanderthals]

Drove past the entrance road to Darwin Prison today and saw some people gathered and taking photo's. Then noticed that it was actually a wedding party with the "happy couple" standing with some of the signage behind them. I'm assuming that either:
1. They are ex inmates wanting a momento.
or
2. It's a comment on the Grooms new status, in which case he could have gone in there and been free in 20.

 

[SilverFox]

A woman who was a tree hugging greenie purchased a piece of forest near Collie, WA .There was a large tree in one of the highest parts of her forest. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the local casualty department to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long ?" He looked at her and said:"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Department of Land, Water and Biodiversity Conservation before I could remove some old-growth timber from a recreational area adjacent to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Christine Milne and her Green Party policies, they turned me down !"

 

[Pace]

Got this from another forum, enjoy.

English cricket team

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube? A. A laughing stock.

Q What's the height of optimism? A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car? A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies? A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director? A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

 

[hamish22]

The Irish Hooker

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

'Twenty pound,” she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty pound. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat fokin light in her face!

 

[blacky]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

'Feels great', he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

 

[blacky]

 

[Meanderthals]

WARNING: Traffic demand on the Tassie ferry could be dramatically increasing, at least going North.
Was watching ABC24 and while they were doing the story about the Tassie Election announcement this morning they were also scrolling through info at the bottom of the screen about the bushfires in Vic.

 

[blacky]

 

[Capt. Gadget]

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em and Pamper 'em.

When old people crap in their pants, what happens next "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I was able to get that straightened out for you.

 

[blacky]

 

[The Alberto]

"Poor, innocent" Schapelle.

She has missed so much during her 10 year stay in Kerobokan Prison.

Imagine when she finally arrives home in Australia and goes off to do her grocery shopping.

I can see it now, she walks into Coles and has never seen the self-serve check-outs before, so she decides to give them a go.

She is busy scanning away when all of a sudden an alarm goes off and the message "UNAUTHORISED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!" is displayed on the screen.

Shapelle turns around and yells in frustration - FU%K not this again!!!

 

[blacky]

Hahahahaha the poor woman (^) hasn't seen NSW win State of Origin since 2005!

Oh wait! Neither has anyone else!

 

[Meanderthals]

View attachment 19988

I think that the GVM is being exceeded, with the emphasis on GROSS.

 

[hamish22]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he suffered from an overwhelming desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel not to do it and that he would eventually find peace of mind.

The very next day, Yossel decided not to heed the advice, but to give in to his desire.

He came home from work very early that day.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts, only to find a normal, intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."

 

[blacky]

 

[The Alberto]

I took my kids to the Zoo yesterday.

Bit disappointing really, they only had a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.