Jokes / Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Burnsy
- Start date
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things
but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to
a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, "I am
at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........
The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it
once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long
as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "The spell is broken the minute '1234' is spoken. It
will then go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and
suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things
but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to
a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, "I am
at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........
The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it
once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long
as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "The spell is broken the minute '1234' is spoken. It
will then go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and
suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
We drove down a street last night where nearly every house was lit up with Chrissy lights....looked awesome, the owner of this house which had no lights had this on his roof! 
Couldn't imagine any other country's former leader telling a joke like this how does the saying go "Straya Mate"
Doesn't really bother me, thought I'd get a bite though, in saying that I do have a BA 1 tonner!Oh My God!
Your a Ford supporter!
An Old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's arse?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But.... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's arse?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But.... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week,and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father's day.
Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......
Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......
I wanted a ride on mower so my wife went out and bought one for me.
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling,
"Who's the bastard that's been screwing with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back: "You don't have enough ammo, mate!!"
"Who's the bastard that's been screwing with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back: "You don't have enough ammo, mate!!"
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the planewhen another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dogwas allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once weget airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, Watch this.'He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he askedthe Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dogwas allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once weget airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, Watch this.'He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he askedthe Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes theparrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?”
Happy Christmas
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes theparrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?”
Happy Christmas