Ok, reasons to be admitted to the Trans- Allegheny Nut farm. Most of you have at least 5 going on, but many are in the teens for sure
Jokes/funny Stuff
- Thread starter Boots in Action
- Start date
Well thankfully I wasn't in the Army, wasn't at War when I fell from horse, and the horse missed me when it kicked, looked and checked to confirm definetly not female, looked in mirror as well its not pretty, it did point out why when I smoked I held the durrie in my right hand so missed on that one as well.............and never found bad whiskey just some worse than others, I suppose that leaves me as one of the guards................
There are a heap of great lines I could bring up but might have to print this out for around the campfire when we catch up again Crusty Con, a pen to tick them off and plenty of Bourbon..lol,lol,lol.
There are a heap of great lines I could bring up but might have to print this out for around the campfire when we catch up again Crusty Con, a pen to tick them off and plenty of Bourbon..lol,lol,lol.
Yeah right. I just went through the list, top or bottom bunk fella ???
Marriage (Part I)
Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer strolled in and asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?”
The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
''If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”
Or if I asked for a kiwifruit would you ask if I was from New Zealand?
The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't.”
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?”
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."
A customer strolled in and asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?”
The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
''If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”
Or if I asked for a kiwifruit would you ask if I was from New Zealand?
The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't.”
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?”
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."
Something just to smile about''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
If 2020 was a riddle
you are paddling your canoe down a river at 2mph and a wheel fell off, how much pancake batter would you need to fix the shingles on your roof.
you are paddling your canoe down a river at 2mph and a wheel fell off, how much pancake batter would you need to fix the shingles on your roof.