Jokes / Funny Stuff

[straydingo]

Matty4 walked into a bar with his humphrey camel. He ordered a drink, and the camel lay down beside him. The bartender barked angrily, "Excuse me, but you can't leave that lyin' there!"
"Err," Matty4 said, "It's a camel. It's not a lion."
:drum:

 

[straydingo]

....sorry

 

[straydingo]

What's Mary short for?











She's got no legs.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Matty4 walked into a bar with his humphrey camel. He ordered a drink, and the camel lay down beside him. The bartender barked angrily, "Excuse me, but you can't leave that lyin' there!"
"Err," Matty4 said, "It's a camel. It's not a lion."
:drum:

I love a good "Dad" Joke

 

[straydingo]

I know its dangerous but we always park out expanda on the freeway.
We like to live in the fast lane.


I was excited last night when I thought I found a movie about a magic Expanda.
But it was just a trailer.

.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

 

[Capt. Gadget]

We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him.​

He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.​

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!​

I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.​

 

[Brad]

I know its dangerous but we always park out expanda on the freeway.
We like to live in the fast lane.


I was excited last night when I thought I found a movie about a magic Expanda.
But it was just a trailer.

.

Oh dear....
but seeing I am a father and thus qualify for stating dad jokes, here it goes.

-Did you know that the cemetery is the dead center of town.
-People who are buried in a cemetery cannot work across the road from the cemetery.....Clearly because they are buried in the cemetery.
-Why do skeletons drink coke...... Cause coke adds life.

 

[straydingo]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."

To which the boss of XXXX rejoined, "I'll have a XXXX, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Coopers then placed his order: "Coopers Pale Ale."

The head of Carlton United smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

 

[Soaring]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."

To which the boss of XXXX rejoined, "I'll have a XXXX, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Coopers then placed his order: "Coopers Pale Ale."

The head of Carlton United smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

spoken like a True Mexican. Well done!

 

[Xpandafan]

....sorry

Mmmm. So you should be.

 

[Matty4]

Wow..............starring in my own Dad joke.................cool..

Here's one of mine then.
A friend recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he said it wasn't a problem because he could stop any time

 

[Matty4]

Not very PC.......but anyway

How do you know if a chinaman has robbed your house??
Your homework is done, computer's upgraded and 2 hours later the bloke is still trying to back out your driveway.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Caravaners Exercice program
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side.

With a 3 Kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your
sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute,
and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5 Kg potato bags.

Then try 25 Kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 50 Kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

[Matty4]

^^^
LOL.....

 

[Xpandafan]

I remember to good old days...

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Well I'm sure it'd get good mileage but I wonder what the tow capacity and max towball weight is!

Gotta love the way they are standing around with the bonnet up!

 

[Brad]

They bought a jeep

 

[Matty4]

I see some design similarities with mine...........

 

[relgate]

Now I see why the Jeeps are so cheap!
:yield: