Jokes/funny Stuff

DRW

Well-Known Member
May 29, 2013
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Beautiful Burrum Heads QLD
fishing anyone
 

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Drover

Well-Known Member
Nov 7, 2013
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QLD
www.expandasdownunder.com
Most of the 60+ generation was HOME SCHOOLED in many ways .
Younger ones would not believe we were told these
"EXACT" words by our parents


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
 

Drover

Well-Known Member
Nov 7, 2013
11,170
17,497
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QLD
www.expandasdownunder.com
Mate keeps sending me this stuff......... This one suits me fine, especially 3,4 and 9..... oh Mrs D says don't forget 11....

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR OLD COOTS.................
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes
smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house
 

1DayIll

Well-Known Member
Apr 26, 2016
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South Morang, Victoria
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Cooktown.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents!
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please. They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?' 'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all grey nomads from the caravan park, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price
 

Boots in Action

Well-Known Member
Mar 13, 2017
1,618
1,363
113
Ferny Grove, Queensland
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Cooktown.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents!
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please. They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?' 'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all grey nomads from the caravan park, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price
Anything to save a few cents here and there. But my thirst for a cold beer at that price (any price really when hot and sweaty!) would not let me wait until "happy hour" while others are enjoying their drink!!