Jokes/funny Stuff

[Boots in Action]

We have all heard of "Murphy's Law" and all curse when things go wrong and blame him. Well, be aware that Murphy was an OPTIMIST!!!
You see, Murphy had an Off-sider called "Guts Oh".
His famous saying was: " Nothing is ever, ever, EVER so bad, that it cannot get worse!!"
So think yourself fortunate when only Murphy is at your door.

 

[Axl]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Bill Shorten fans.
Not really knowing what a Shorten fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for
Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Shorten fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Bill Shorten?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Liberal"
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Shorten fan

 

[mfexpanda]

Funny

 

[mikerezny]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. ​

Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.​

Ya, sure ,I tink I haff a lighter, Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box,he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long . my god, man! exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.​

Where'd yew git dat monster?​

​

''Well'' replied Paddy, I got it from my Genie'. You have a fecking Genie Mick asked. ​

Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box, says Paddy.​

Could I see him? Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.​

​

Addressing the Genie, Mick says , Hey dere ! I'm a good pal of your master, will you grant me one wish?​

Yes I will, says the Genie.​

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks.​

The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.​

​

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy , what the hell? I asked for a million bucks ! not a million ducks! ​

Paddy answer's , ''Ya I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hard of hearing.. ​

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch bic''​

 

[Drover]

 

[Crusty181]

Funny

Just out of curiosity, do you have any facial injuries coincidentally occurring on May12th ???

 

[mikerezny]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.

Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said,
"Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
"But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee.

She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."
She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said,
"I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
"If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumped at the thought!

He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
REMEMBER . . .
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

 

[Drover]

REMEMBER . . .
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

I had a Coffee Mug at work with that motto .................................... It's true.

 

[Drover]

Potatoes
Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ........


"A COMMONTATER!"

 

[Drover]

 

[ColinM]

Two Irish carpenters were putting the roof timbers on a house. One an older experienced chippy and the other a much younger first year apprentice.

Being the first day on the job for the apprentice, the older chippy sat and watched him start hammering in his first nails.

The apprentice picked a nail out of his nail pouch and threw it backwards over his shoulder, picked another - nailed it in, another, threw it over his shoulder, and the next one, the next one was hammered in, the next was thrown over his shoulder....

After five minutes of this, the older Irish chippy couldn't stay quiet. "Wot ya doin" he asked.

"Some off dees nails haf the point on the wrong eend" replied the young Irish apprentice.

"Ya EEDIOT" yelled the old chippy back... "There fer de odder side of the roof!"

 

[ColinM]

Speaking of Irish building site workers, who can forget this immortally hilarious song by the mighty Dubliners:

Sick Note

 

[Drover]

signs of thing to come or are they here???/

GOOGLE PIZZA

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago .............................

 

[ColinM]

This is actually a true personal story...
My wife and I moved down to Mount Barker (WA) from Perth some 16 years ago now.
As we all know, each time we move we seem to have accumulated more stuff - and we had plenty.
As this was a move of some distance we engaged a professional mover , but still wanted to make best use of space in the removal truck and larger trailer so, engaging moving tip number one, we went searching for a load of packing boxes the same size...
In our search we came across what seemed a deal too good to be true - 150 boxes, unused, profiled and only $1.00 each. What a bargain and perfect!
But there must be a catch.
With some trepidation I phoned the advertisor.
"Yes, we still have the boxes"
"Yes, they are $1 each"
"Yes, they are profiled - never been used"
"No, there is absolutely noting wrong with them"
Great so far, but I couldn't dispel my doubt that 150 unused, profiled, perfect boxes for only $1 each had to have SOME catch...
So I pressed him for more details...why so cheap?
...and finally the reason....
Ok, ok (he started laughing) - they are Condom boxes.

The big day arrived - all 150 condom boxes packed - with a lot of stuff.
The two burly removalist blokes arrived...
"Ok - we'll start with the boxes first, where are they?" they asked.
"In the front room" I answered.
So off they went back up the passage and two laughters burst out in unison.

Early afternoon the Truck and trailer, with us following behind, arrived at our new home in "Barker".
Mount Barker is a small town and it didn't take long for curious neighbours to find some reason to be in view of our activities - ever so curious as to who was moving in..
Between the four of us, it wasn't long before it was time to unload the Condom boxes.
"Where do you want these? Asked the senior of the two removalists"?
"On the front verandah" I replied - taking some glee in the expected impact on the curious neighbourhood onlookers.
So out they came - 150 boxes - all beautifully and clearly marked "condoms"

The look on the neighbour's faces was priceless!

 

[Drover]

and No pics.......

 

[Drover]

 

[Clewsy]

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?



It got stuck in a crack!

 

[ColinM]

and No pics.......

No, sorry Drover - we were pretty busy at the time - but wish I had.

 

[Drover]

Paddy: "Hey Murphy, have you seen the news. Four cliff walkers have fallen to their death"

Murphy: "Unbelievable, I can't believe they all had the same name"

 

[Drover]

“DECLINING BIKE SALES”

Some of the reasons for the slump in sales at Harley Davison are as follows -

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles.

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7 Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

Its a bit harsh I know ....................... nothing about having to kick start..Ha