Seen in Darwin a couple of days ago. A possible new competitor for Stone Stomper maybe?
Jokes / Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Burnsy
- Start date
Looks like @bigman0510 has a new ute!
I knew there was someone on this forum this could be appropriate for but had forgotten who.
That's a great idea but my old thongs are always too worn out for any other use when I'm done with them!!
A Sydney lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Melbourne copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from a big firm in Sydney and is certain that he has a better education then any wanker Victorian copper. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Melbourne cops expense!!
Melbourne cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Melbourne cop says, ‘You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'I slowed down and no one was coming.'
Melbourne cop says, ‘You didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Melbourne cop says, 'The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and forget the ticket.'
Melbourne cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, mate.'
The Sydney Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Melbourne cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from a big firm in Sydney and is certain that he has a better education then any wanker Victorian copper. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Melbourne cops expense!!
Melbourne cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Melbourne cop says, ‘You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'I slowed down and no one was coming.'
Melbourne cop says, ‘You didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Melbourne cop says, 'The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
Sydney Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and forget the ticket.'
Melbourne cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, mate.'
The Sydney Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Melbourne cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy
And began to munch out.
She ate.........and ate.......and then......she ate some more
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
Dead fly..
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of don't be rude.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy
And began to munch out.
She ate.........and ate.......and then......she ate some more
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
Dead fly..
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of don't be rude.
I met a woman with 12 breasts the other day! Sounds weird, dozen tit!
:drum:
:drum:
CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND.
John Keys, Prime Ministe of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We will be ruined."
Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain?"
PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the "All Blacks".
Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes thet arrived at the Pist Office.
He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent from work without having phoned in sick for the day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mummy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
“Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman“.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy“, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
“What is that noise?”
“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”
John Keys, Prime Ministe of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We will be ruined."
Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain?"
PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the "All Blacks".
Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes thet arrived at the Pist Office.
He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent from work without having phoned in sick for the day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mummy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
“Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman“.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy“, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
“What is that noise?”
“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”
Hey @blacky what if one of them was made of timber, now that would be even weirder wooden tit!
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said: “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
”She asked... “What does that mean?
”He replied: “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot.
”She smiled happily and exclaimed... “Oh, that’s so lovely! What about I, J, and K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding"
:brick:
He looked at her for a while, then said: “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
”She asked... “What does that mean?
”He replied: “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot.
”She smiled happily and exclaimed... “Oh, that’s so lovely! What about I, J, and K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding"
:brick: