Definitley get your point, think i remember reading it in your thread somewhere now!
Sad to here, and you are right Ford should be paying for everything!
Also now see why you put it in the Joke section!
Jokes / Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Burnsy
- Start date
Definitley get your point, think i remember reading it in your thread somewhere now!
Sad to here, and you are right Ford should be paying for everything!
Also now see why you put it in the Joke section!
A little girl asked her father,
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
Dont mean to laugh at some one else's expence, though all right go for it. Pace.
Maybe he should try Bunnings, they may have it alongside their striped paint.
A Drover appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the Stockman offered.
'On a trip out the back of Longreach in Western Queensland, I came
upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't
listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him
in the face, kicked him in the arse, knocked his bike over, ripped out
his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you bastards or I'll kick the don't be rude out
of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'About a couple of minutes ago’.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the Stockman offered.
'On a trip out the back of Longreach in Western Queensland, I came
upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't
listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him
in the face, kicked him in the arse, knocked his bike over, ripped out
his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you bastards or I'll kick the don't be rude out
of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'About a couple of minutes ago’.
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the
turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch
if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks”, said Paddy
”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the
turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch
if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks”, said Paddy
Just some philosophising over the weekend
Everything is or isn't ice cream.
Killing a spider makes the spider genetic pool sneakier and more deadly.
The only time the word ‘incorrectly’ isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
It’s possible that drug cartels are comprised exclusively of undercover DEA agents who don’t know about each other.
Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines.
‘Slang’ is a colloquial word for ‘colloquial word’.
When someone else makes you laugh in your dream, your brain came up with that joke. Of course you think it’s funny.
Your right elbow has never been touched by your right hand.
The word ‘Fat’ just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word ‘Eat’.
All of the planets in Star Wars have the exact same gravitational pulls.
Mars is populated entirely by robots!
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
What if the Egyptians didn’t actually revere cats, but only jokingly did like we do on the internet?
People who say, “Don’t tell me what to do” are hypocrites.
The final ‘e’ in finale is the finale of finale.
We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.
Everything is or isn't ice cream.
Killing a spider makes the spider genetic pool sneakier and more deadly.
The only time the word ‘incorrectly’ isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
It’s possible that drug cartels are comprised exclusively of undercover DEA agents who don’t know about each other.
Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines.
‘Slang’ is a colloquial word for ‘colloquial word’.
When someone else makes you laugh in your dream, your brain came up with that joke. Of course you think it’s funny.
Your right elbow has never been touched by your right hand.
The word ‘Fat’ just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word ‘Eat’.
All of the planets in Star Wars have the exact same gravitational pulls.
Mars is populated entirely by robots!
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
What if the Egyptians didn’t actually revere cats, but only jokingly did like we do on the internet?
People who say, “Don’t tell me what to do” are hypocrites.
The final ‘e’ in finale is the finale of finale.
We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.
Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him.... He looks down at the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious lookand I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman says:
Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him.... He looks down at the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious lookand I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman says:
Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
He just wants them to send their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
He just wants them to send their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and
love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss
me!".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's
lips. "What are you doing Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the
French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So
she says "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing!?!" "My name is
Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have
white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss
me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles
it all over her private parts. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and
love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss
me!".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's
lips. "What are you doing Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the
French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So
she says "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing!?!" "My name is
Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have
white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss
me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles
it all over her private parts. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"
I couldn't stop laughing
http://www.chonday.com/Videos/funny-mexican-guy-with-groucho-marx#.UfVbmBN44QQ.email
http://www.chonday.com/Videos/funny-mexican-guy-with-groucho-marx#.UfVbmBN44QQ.email
Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,Sean".
Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step toward the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.
"I'm fookin fooked" he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way."
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin fooked. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step toward the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.
"I'm fookin fooked" he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way."
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin fooked. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."