Jokes / Funny Stuff
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found
him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For
example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a heart shaped
island and said "What's that one?"
"That's Western Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The
people from Western Australia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and
humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely
sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers
of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled. "I will create Canberra, Wait till you see the idiots I'll
put there!".
him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For
example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a heart shaped
island and said "What's that one?"
"That's Western Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The
people from Western Australia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and
humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely
sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers
of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled. "I will create Canberra, Wait till you see the idiots I'll
put there!".
Hahaha excellent! Russell Coight put it best!
"Little did they (explorers) know, but they had discovered the arsehole of Australia...."
"Little did they (explorers) know, but they had discovered the arsehole of Australia...."
Coles Supermarket car park scam. Please BE WARNED!
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever
'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Coles supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!
Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Woolies.
You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th,10th,twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th.
Also on December 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for $5.99 each
but Target wallets are $4.75 and look better!!
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever
'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Coles supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!
Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Woolies.
You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th,10th,twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th.
Also on December 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for $5.99 each
but Target wallets are $4.75 and look better!!
@hamish22 One day this attempt of robbery will appear on YouTube to view, one day!! Pace.
Man said to wife "All right you sexy thing, bedroom now."
She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."
He said, "No, seriously, the footy’s about to start, p@#s off!”
She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."
He said, "No, seriously, the footy’s about to start, p@#s off!”
Swedish Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small
fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells out:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that 'little don't be rude' on your lap"
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small
fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells out:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that 'little don't be rude' on your lap"
One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop - reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."